it's interesting reading this back now in February 2022. I happen to have a physical copy of the book next to me on my bed as I write this. I've read through it many times now and it's never lost its impact. I keep returning to these pages. Every time I do, something new jumps out of the page to match the stage of life I'm in. From the deep isolation & alienation of being a man, to the complicated rush of feelings when you see your potential future in another's face, to the great void we sometimes stare over when considering hormones... to the tent under the stars, where we can be with each other, be who we are meant to be, and feel safe.

It's been 18 or 19 months since then. I'm not sure if I'm more certain about HRT or not. But I am finally ready to begin. I decided that after spending the better part of two years agonizing over the possibility, I could either continue to agonize for the rest of my life or I could simply give my body and mind what they were asking for. I'm approaching this new chapter with a sense of curiosity, but also a sense of self-assurance. Paradoxically, now that I'm on my way to medical transition it seems less important than ever. I'm having trouble putting this into words but I put all this weight on HRT as a tool to validate who I am, but as it turns out, this is who I am regardless of what I do with my body. I feel secure in that in a way I haven't been able to in the past. I'm excited to take this step towards loving and caring for myself. I don't know exactly where it will lead. But I'm very excited to find out! I'm excited to get to know the person within me that I've suppressed for so long. Maybe she'll be pretty much like the way I am now. Maybe she'll be something realy different!

I've already changed so much in the last two years. Some has been positive. A lot of it has been negative. It's sometimes hard to know the difference between growth from lessons learned and reduction/diminishing from taking hits. I look back on things I wrote here in 2020 and there's an energy of love and positivity that I no longer have. It feels like my heart has closed off. I barely have the energy to sustain myself and certainly none left over to love others or to cast visions.

Not to be catastraphic or fatalistic or whatever! I'm grateful for some of the change. Mostly it feels like I'm just plugging along and little pieces of my brain are swapping out here and there.

What am I proud of from the last 2 years?

• Honestly, staying alive. Still sustaining is accomplishment enough sometimes and this may be one of those times. It's been really hard!
• Staying busy with work! I'm super in demand right now, which means I've gotten good enough at music and haven't fucked up too badly a the other stuff despite everything going on. That's pretty cool! In the midst of me feeling kind of at my worst in some productivity/professional ways, I've done more than ever. Now I just need to figure out how to sustain it.

Ok, what about this - how have you changed for the better?

• This one's harder.
• There's a more laid-back version of myself that I've learned to activate. I don't have to be super wound up all the time anymore (though I still am a lot fo the time ofc). Embracing transfemininity more definitely helped with this
• Honestly some of these have been going for a while so I forget sometimes that it used to be different. But a big one is comfort thinking for myself and asserting opinions. Learning better how to disagree with people upfront and live with disagreement. This is related to the previous point too, because sometimes living with disagreement means knowing when to lay back a bit.
• I've also discovered the peace of living outside manhood, and that feels very very good.