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Thursday, May 5 2022

Reading this blurb by Imogen Binnie... -I need for trans women/transfeminine friends. -I need a therapist.

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anyway this was prompted bc matthew white just asked me (like 10 minutes ago 2:30pm) to play keys for him for a gig (friday cheers). hell yeah!! But basically, yeah. God gives out gifts. Always has. this is one of them and I'm really grateful!

4/20/2022 sometimes things are really good! important to remember

4/18/2022

There's something about making food yourself that makes it taste better. There's also something about not making food yourself that makes it taste better. That's one of the win-wins of life

4/13/2022- AAAAAAAAAAAAAA I'm feeling depressed today. I'm feeling sad I'm feeling Mel An Chol Y.

I would never ever choose to be a man if I had the option, if I lived . And in 2020 and much of 2021, the old world was gone or on pause. We were making a new one. ANything was possible. I felt full freedom to be anyone and it felt obvious and nice and good and free and natural to be trans. Now, in late 2021 and 2022, to my horror we've rebuilt the old world exactly how it was. It fits terribly in so many ways but here it is and here I am back in it. And sometimes (often) it feels like being trans for me is trying to live in a world that no longer exists. Who will love me in this world. Who will care about me? Who will see me as I am? Who will hire me? In this world it feels like I can only be a man or a woman. becoming a woman feels insurmountably difficult. Becoming a man feels suffocating... maybe? Or maybe I could find a way to make it work. Whatever it would mean to do that. Am I shutting myself out of the world?

Is it a world worth staying in, though?

4/2/2022

ugh gosh I'm still here... just got back from touring and gonna head out again on Wednesday. Gonna be gone pretty much till May. i'm so freaking tired. everything is hazy. i mean everything's been hazy for a while mostly. but even hazier now. idk what i should do. if anything.


2/16/2022 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fY1BtpkNrtQ

I remain alive!

I think it'd be fun to put playlists/mixtapes here


7/17/2020 Feeling great today!!

[note: I wrote this without a date so I'm not sure exactly when it's from. I wanna say it's from around 3 weeks ago from today (July 17th)... sometime in mid to late June.][EDIT: I scrolled down and just kidding!! I think it's from either the same day, or the day after I was doing those readings (22 or 23 May). Also it;s wild looking back bc I feel like I've come so far, not even just in this issue specifically but as a person, since late May. May 22nd was 1 week exactly from when everything popped off in Richmond.]

Ok, so I feel like I just don't see these issues/concepts/whatever like other people. idk. But I know I'm on a jounrey. I don't know where that journey will end. But I'm going to take the next step.

I guess really none of these are dealing with what feels like a central question to me (if you're assigned male at birth), which is how to deal with the dynamics of power & priveliege that are attached to you in various ways. It seems like most of these resources are oriented around AFAB experiences. ANd like, a lot of this feels like people trying to simplify things that a really complicated and nail down things that are reall fluid. Like there's this tension between "this identity is discrete and fundamental, I've always been this way" and saying that all of the expressions of that thing are subject to valid change. I feel like the logical conclusion should be that gender is social, performative, and therefore fluid. And since gender is that way the gender of sexulaity must also be social, performative, and fluid. But people seem to stop of in this intermediate space, where idenitities are rigid, there's just more of them, and when they appear to change it's because the immutable identity was not assigned correctly.

also sidenote... all of these resources seem to be by white people. And race isn't ebing acknowledged anywhere.

I guess what I'm getting at is feel different from male or female; or to say it another way I'm not interested in the restrictions those place on who I am, what I do. But I don't feel like I'm similar to the people writing these websites or making these videos or that I see on the nonbinary subreddi (which is not necessarily to say they all feel like each other)> But yeah. It just feels different

Ok, I didn find an article that I resonated with: on Everyday Feminism, "4 Comments That Kept Me From Idenitfying as Non-Binary - And Why They Don't Anymore" by Suzannah Weiss. Upate: found a few more sites/articles of people that I vibe with more. That's cool & encouraging. Time 2 carry on

22 May 2020, 1:29 PM aminonbinary.com

22 May 2020, 1:17 PM.

Whoops that was a lot of time without an update. Just made this

10 May 2020, 11:40 PM.

A few things happened this week!

On Tuesday I had a really good hand with Brady. We just seem to relate on alot of levels. It's just really natural to spend that time together. I often mention how all friendships feel like work to me. Mine with Brady is one of the few that doesn't.

Oh, also worked on a lot of music (esp the beginning of the week). Did a song with Brady & Ryan and a song with Trey Hall. Trey's song was a pretty different sound for him - baritone harmonies on a foundation of layered guitars and birdsong. I really liked it and I hope he does more like it. Ryan & Brady's reminded me a lot of what Brady's been up to the last couple of years - just really big country- and soul-flavored rock. This song, like most of his recent stuff, just hits hard and feels great. Brady actually said he's looking to do an EP with this sound and a fresh band. I hope he gets it going because I would drop a lot to be a part making that record. Brady is one of the most fun people I've ever met I think.

Other news: did a livestream with Erin & the Wildfire this week & worked on cover videos for them. I'm excited to contribute some organ to Erin's livestream on Tuesday. "If I Had a Golden Thread." Spent some good time with Aaron. They're one of the best people around me right now for thinking through stuff both big and small. This Mother's Day was tough for them because they and their mom aren't speaking right now, and may not for a while. God I pray for healing in that relationship. It might take a miracle but You are a miracle worker! More sad news - today Aaron told me Angel's asylum case was found not credible and he'll be deported back to Ecuador. The lawyer they got for him wasn't even allowed to argue the case and the ICE agent simply declined to submit the documents Aaron gave him for Angel's case. Our immigration system is just so so horrible and cruel... and random and seemingly not subject to even it's own rules!

This week also saw two awful videos of white violence against Black people surface. Two regular citizens (not even cops!) hunted down and murdered a Black jogger named Ahmaud Aubrey and were not arrested or charged with any crime. That finally changed but only now (2 months later) when someone leaked a video of the shooting. The local government even lied to his mother telling her her son was killed while attempting a robbery! The increible level of direpect and the complete lack of accountability on display are just horrible but completely normal in this country until white folks like me start to hold each other accountable EVEN WHEN IT'S HARD. ESPECIALLY when it's hard!! Anyway the second one of these (which I've barely heard people talking about!)... it's so bad. Police offers chased down and killed a man on Facebook Live, then stoof over his bofy and joked about his funeral. How can you do that?? How can you kill so casually? And joke about it as the man DIES??

There is such a sickness in this country. Lord God, please bring healing. If it is within Your mercy, tear down the systems of this country. Allow people to see and truly feel the consequences of their actions, whether it be murder, or greed, or pride, big or small. This includes me.


Spent some time with Kaylin this week as well. These events had her really shook up, sad, and angry. I need to be brave enough to do & say what Kaylin and all of my other relatives of color want to do and say but are unable to with the same level of effectiveness because they are not white. I need to be able to do that, even when it is very very hard. Because livea are at stake and though I have the option to insulate myself from it all by identifyingwith the violent ones, I must not.

Kaylin is becoming a true friend though- someone who I feel safe & comfortable around. There's still ways to go but I see it happening and I'm so grateful. She seems to feel the same way.

Ok, lastly. Talked to my parents today and got into it a little bit. Was able to have a conversation with my mom about some of what really has bothered me aabout the way they've treated me. I thank God for the ability and the mercy to have that time. It was productive, I thnk, if incomplete. I wasn't able to say everything but I hope I got something across and that we can undertsand each other a little better. I hope for more and for the strength and courage to continue it with my dad.

They're just so frustrating. I've put so much effort in my life towards not being beholden to them (and succesfully! The career I have I've built without they're help... Everything I've done I've even done without using a college degree.) but I'm still treated like an employee who needs to deliver the right results. There's so much more to be said than this but I'll leave it for another time and place.

I thank God for all of this. I ask for mercy for the many things I am saying, doing, and thinking wrong through this process, for the times I have unknowlingly made the wrong choice but also for the times I've failed to live up to what I know is right. I hope that not only myself but we all can be guided towards what is right - whatever that may be. Amen.


2 May 2020, 8:45 PM. Wtf it's May!! How did this happen lmo

Anyway thought for the day: God knows you're imperfect.

News! I got an offer yesterday to play for a new Speaking Spirit campus. I'm excited! I think it could be really good. We'll see certainly! Marlon said they might be ready to start late fall or early next year which is good timing. I'm ready to continue this season of reflection and growing and hopefully carry everything I've learned into this new space. Feels good!

Right now Chipper is the only other confirmed musician. Excited to work more with him too, especially if he ends up as the tech person at EEF then we'll be spending like 12 hours together. I like the idea of sharing a workday with someone like in that way, like I used to with Trevele.

the other thing is, this is good tiing as far as me & Trevelle are concerned as well. With Kaylin we have the potential to put together a really good show and make that a creative outlet for the two of us (and 3 of us!), and I'm excited to see that take shape as well. If my phone can finish charging I can text them both right now & see if we can get together tomorrow.

I pray that these anticipations, these moves are acceptable in God's sight. And if they are not, may they not come to pass.


28 April 2020, 2:01 PM. Part of the reason I'm making this place I think is so I don't let myself forget the things that God does for me.

30 April 2020, 11:33 AM. I made this list

28 April 2020. 12:54 PM. So this is actually a thought from yesterday but I thought I should write it down. I was thinking about my inability to apparently get around to simple tasks (like my list, which I still haven't done anything on) and I was thinking about how I may/probably? have add or adhd (multiple people with ADHD have told me this). My usual way of processing the concept of "being different in a way that is v much not useful in the current context" is that somehow, somewhere there's the right person or place where what you have is actually an asset. But the thing is, I'm not in that place. Most people aren't. And maybe it's hypothetical existence is just as useless as it's actual nonexistence in this moment. And I feel like I'm losing myself a little bit here lol but basically what was coming to is: maybe sometimes bad things are just bad. And it's okay to see that and mourn that and try to fix it the best you can where you are, in your current context. And the train of thought I've often had, "you just need to find the right context and everything will be fine," is functionally useless bc you're never really going to get there. And the end result is basically me blaming myself and beating myself up for something that's really not on me, that I don't have the power to change right now.

It's not my fault! I think!

And with that I can look for and accept the healing that I need in this current situation, understanding that it may be imperfect and contectual but it can still really help and be good. Thank you God!

27 April 2020. 12:09 AM: hmmm

26 April 2020. 11:12 AM. [I was gonna do a line break here originally but it was too dramatic.] Woke up at 10:37. Got some things hanging over my head. Let me see if I can list them. [wait! this is a good use for the list function!]

That's it though!